Mommy Dearest

We have custody of my Bf's son. I think it was May when Gary went and got him. I had no clue the kind of damage the child sustained at the hands of his mother. I had no clue what I was getting into. From the very begaining I noticed he was a very clingy child. He had to know where I was and where his dad was every second..right down to potty breaks. He wanted attention so badly. He was also way behind where he should be academically for his age. So we bought  some work books and got busy trying to prepare him for the new school year. He's actually doing pretty good now besides his lack of attention at times and sometimes lazy work choices..like coloring something purple when the instructions say to color it blue simply because the purple was easy to find in his color box. We are working on that . We have him in therapy...I don;t know if its helping. I do know that having a stable environment seems to finally be helping him to stop some of his not so great behaviors. I want you to know for 2 months his mother didn't even so much as call him. For two months not only did she not call but we had no clue where she was. He got where he stopped asking. My heart has broken for him more then once. When I had to teach him to brush his teeth because he wasn't made to brush them (his 7 btw) , when we took him to the dentist to find he had a whooping 7 cavities..when I help him floss his teeth at night..when we do homework after school..when i walk him to his bus stop in the morning..when I hug him at night before bed..my heart breaks for him. His mother should be doing that. She should be a dececent enough person to be able to do all those things with him. But she isnt. She isn't decent enough to call without having to be tracked down and made to feel guilty. We finally found her and she has been calling most days for this past week. He seems to be excited that she's showing some kind of interest. And now she wants him thanksgiving. WHAT? You take him from his home and his father to run off with another man to another state..you obviously neglect him and have him doing things he shouldn;t like "lighting mommys cigerettes" , you scare him with stories of boogie men so much so that when he first came to us if it rained and the house made any noise he was convinced some kind of monster was going to come thru his walls and get him...you put him in the bed with you and your boyfriends...and kept such a messy house that the child said he couldn't even sleep in his own room because there was so much stuff..and you think after all we have done to try and help him and get him on the right track that we are just going to hand him over to a homeless ..drifting...couch hopping less then part time mom who we have to hunt down to get a phone call out of ? I really don't think so.What are people thinking?? I feel this life growing inside me..kicking me..moving me..becoming, in me. And I'm filled with more love them I think I can contain sometimes. How do you not love your child enough to stop being selfish and self centered? How does creating a life not make you want to be the best you can so that they will have a good example and someone they can be proud to call parent? You wanna mess up your own life...be a liar..a cheat.. a swindler and an abuser..by all means...you go for it. But for heaven's sake don;t hurt your children. They cant help you have issues or that you don't have the capacity to care for anyone but yourself. They are the innocent products of us..the not so innocent. Is it not our job to shield and protect them as long and as much as we can? To cover them in a love so strong that they know they can walk out into the world with a high held head because someone believes in them..someone is standing in their corner with some pom poms..someone is always and ever loving them. I try to model myself after the way God deals with me when i deal with this child and will do so with my own. I make mistakes...sometimes i feel at a loss for what to do but I try to remember that God has been patient and kind to me. That knowing he is there loving me and watching out for me has made all the differance in my crazy life. knowing that no matter what mistakes I Make.. he's still there ..not giving up  on me. How can you instill that in your child if you just don't bother to do the work it takes to BE a parent. How can you expect them to know you love them with any confidence if they can't even count on you to pick up the phone? what have we become as people that this is the way we treat our children? Our futures. You can't be lazy when it comes to parenting. Those two words just don;t go together. It's work. It's hard work. But when that little boy comes home with 100 on his spelling test...all that time spent in flashcards and repetition is worth it and  I rejoice with him. When he smiles because he gets something he didn't before...I'm overjoyed with him. When he behaves well and minds his manners acting like a little gentleman..I'm so proud of him..and even when he doesn't i;m proud because he knows how to correct himself and wishes to do better. We laugh and talk..we work and learn..we study and grow..we experiance triumphs together and missteps together..and I look at him as part of my family..a child adopted of my heart. And some days I just want to cry for him. His mother should feel this way. But his mother feels nothing for anyone but herself.

Questions at 4:40 am

I was watching this interview with this well known Christian artist. So many are speaking out against her. But she just doesn't seem to feel like she is doing anything wrong. And so I found myself wondering...I wonder whats worse? Me in my current situation, which by any standards is pretty sinful. I'm unmarried , living with my boyfriend , pregnant with our first child and raising his child from a marriage that isn't even legally over yet. So yea im not judging. Just wondering..whats worse? To know your doing wrong and continue  by telling yourself that it won't always be this way. That at some point the sins or wrongs in your life will be made right if you just hold on a little longer. Or..is it worse to really believe your doing nothing wrong. To blindly believe that you can say "I follow and have faith in this" then bend and break it until it fits your own will? None of us have the right to sit in judgement I think the message is love. But does that mean because the message is love that we as Christians should just look the other way anytime we see someone stumbling..so that they can fool themselves into thinking that all is well..when clearly it probably isn't. I have no delusions about my current situation. While I do believe we will be married one day it doesn't make my choice to live in sin less real..I guess my point in all this rambling is..does that make it worse?? Because I know what I'm doing contradicts what I believe is right and do it anyway...and yet still call myself a christian and still try and have a walk with God. Or is the truth simply that we do all know deep down when we are wrong because God convicts us but some choose to admit they are ignoring that conviction while others choose to pretend they never got it. I don't think anyone of faith has the right to beat up anyone else with their beliefs. I'm not suggesting I go to jo blow down the street and tell him all about himself. I'm speaking from a personal point view. Do we in the christian community sit down when we should stand up....and stand up all to publicly when we should sit down?? Or do we choose to stand up for all the wrong things and reasons. I don't know. I watched that interview...that aired sometime last year. And I watched that girl that I have so admired be so defiant in the face of criticism and I also watched a religious leader publicly judge her. Should he have called her at home instead? Or was it more  important somehow to do it in a public forum? I don't know. Where is the middle ground? Where do we find the balance between preaching the love of God and teaching the will of God. And if we did a better job of that..would it be harder to ignore his convictions on our lives? I don't know..I really don't. But there is one thing I am pretty sure of. We got it wrong somewhere.